Another Reason Why Metaphors Should Be Locked Away From Marketing Staff

Like the liquor cabinet, you really ought to lock all metaphors in the desk drawer when Marketing is around. Otherwise, you get ad campaigns like this:

This remote application is like Coors Light, apparently
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All right, so this piece of remote desktop software is like a silver bullet. Does that make the customer the werewolf you’re trying to slay? Maybe its your software, you know, the one that you’re trying to support using this GoToAssist Express package, that’s the werewolf. A normally mild-manner piece of software, every full moon your company’s application goes on a rampage, and AssistTogo Express is what you need to kill the beast once and for all.

The text doesn’t really develop the metaphor, so I kinda have to infer here. Wait, the headline is in a sorta Western font, with some little rodeo horizontal rules and a picture of a man on horseback and a lasso. Wait a minute, let me freaking stretch the metaphor here. Although he’s not depicted at all (licensing costs > clip art, you know), the Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet at the end of his old television serials. Kinda like the client-side momento GoToExpress Assist leaves behind after your support session is done, and the bad guys–again, I think this is your company’s software–are dispatched after threatening the innocent townsfolk–that is, your customers. Am I getting closer here?

Not even close? Wait, is the ToGoAssist Express like a cold, refreshing Coors Light after a long, hard day of the manual labor that is trying to install and configure your product? I mean, Express is a kind of train and Coors Light has its Silver Bullet Train.

No? Wait, I got it. The marketing staff used this buzzword without knowing what it meant and, as a result, has given us something senseless. Well, no, in a fashion, it does make sense: it spent the marketing budget, and they all retired to the pub for a drink on the corporate credit card after its successful launch. Probably not a Coors. Marketing staff would be only slightly less likely to drink a Coors than to understand the software it’s trying to pitch or the rich and literary-allusion-laden language it’s trying to pitch in.

UPDATE: Welcome, Citrix readers! Wow, that’s a lot of Macintoshes. You must be the marketing department. Remind me to tell you the story of how the head of sales where I once worked tried to call our product “Nirvana”–the Buddhist equivalent of perfect nothingness–and then “Valhalla”–where the heroes go to die and await Ragnarok, the final climactic battle of good versus evil where good is going to lose. Of course, he’s worth millions now, and I still rent my services for low, low rates.

3 Responses to “Another Reason Why Metaphors Should Be Locked Away From Marketing Staff”

  1. frankwallis Says:

    how about the “we’re a bunch of cowboys” angle?

  2. The Director Says:

    Or we’re a bunch of competitors on the Pabst Blue Ribbon Championship Rodeo circuit.

  3. The Director Says:

    Except they did use silver bullet which has some meaning in itself, and not “we’re a bunch of cowboys.”

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